


Our Own Parade

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Idk how to tag things, M/M, Mentions of dub-con, Past Child Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, References to Addiction, References to Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Sexual Content, Skins AU, basically a one direction version of skins, oh well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-21 08:18:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"Do you think it's possible to jump from a flying plane -with a parachute- and land safely?" Louis asked out of the blue.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em>Following a string of smoke, Harry shakes his head. "Nah. You'd probably be crushed by the wind impact."</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em>Louis frowns, obviously not happy with the answer. "Oh. Would it hurt?"</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em>"Probably. Your bones would probably be crushed," Harry states, eyes focusing on the erray of colorful clouds lining the oncoming sunrise.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em>There's a pregnant pause before Louis whispers, "Like a million puzzle pieces..."</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>or; Louis' life was never easy and Harry's in love with him, but things are complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Once I Ran to You

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't know how I feel about this whole fic, but I'll see how it goes? Updates might not be as consistent as I hoped, but I'll try my best. This is the first chaptered fic I've posted so I'm a little nervous. It's basically a Skins AU so we'll see what that's like too. I didn't have a beta so all mistakes are on me.  
> The title of the first chapter is from the song Tainted Love by Gloria Jones.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own One Direction this is all fiction etc etc etc  
> Enjoy! x

“Who is it tonight?”

“I think he said his name was Derek. No, it was Dylan.”

“Dylan? Like…Dill? Like Dill Pickle?”

“Reckon he’s got a big pickle?”

 Liam frowns, looking over at Zayn from where he’s leaning against the wall of the club. “A big pickle? Are you seriously referring to his cock as a _pickle_?”

The smoking boy next to him shrugs, exhaling the sweet toxins from his lungs before handing the spliff off to Niall on his other side. “What?” he looks back at Liam with a grin. “A pickle can look like a dick!”

I sure as hell hope for your sake that your dick doesn’t look like a pickle mate,” Niall states before sticking the spliff between his lips and inhaling.

Pushing off the wall, Zayn rolls his eyes. “You’re all weazily little cunts, you know that?” He takes a cigarette from the box in his leather jacket pocket along with his lighter, sticking the filter between his plump lips. IN response, Liam and Niall both jump forward, kissing Zayn’s cheeks and shouting _You love us you filthy prat!_ Zayn laughs, shoving them off as they walk down the alley, the club’s music getting louder and louder.

Niall turns to Liam, confusion etched onto his features. “What happened to Chris? Lou said he was a good fuck, said he had nice hands. Or maybe it was his mouth. No, he said he had a nice mouth. That was it.”

Liam shrugged, taking the spliff and inhaling before breathing out a stream of smoke, replying, “’dunno. Maybe he was a light weight like the last one, or snored like the one before.”

The three all nodded, knowing what Louis was like with his ‘relationships’. If you could call them that. The longest Louis had ever been with someone was almost three years, and Louis never talked about it. Ever. It was a spoken rule, and whenever the other half of that relationship happened to be near Louis, they would leave where ever it was they were as fast as wild fire.

Coming to the club entrance, crowded by people smoking, retching on the sidewalk, and sharing slow, wet kisses, the three boys entered the loud room. Music pulsed through the walls as the thick crowd moved about. The three made their way through the back, twisting through the small tables and sexual couples until they saw a short, familiar boy with bright blue eyes and feathery, chestnut hair swept across his forehead. Standing next to him was some guy with a fit body and manly face, arm wrapped around the lad’s slim shoulders.

“Lou! Oi, little fucker!” Zayn shouted over the noise as they made their way over to the couple.

Hearing his name, Louis turned from where he was to see his three best mates. “Lads! Finally showing up I see?” he pulled away from Derek, or Dill Pickle, whatever his name was, and joined in a group hug between him and the three lads.

Niall pressed a wet kiss to Louis’ cheek as they pulled away. “Shut it, you little twat!” he laughs, the noise booming amongst the small corner of the club.

Louis rolls his eyes before looping his arm around the man’s beside him. “Boy’s, this is Dylan. Dylan, this is Niall, Liam, and Zayn.” He frowns suddenly, looking around before meeting Zayn’s eyes. “Where’s Harry?”

Zayn simply shrugs, looking around as well. “I dunno, he said he was comin’, I figured he was already here.”

The frown stayed etched into Louis’ delicate features for only a moment before his smile returned once again. “Well, anyways, this is Dylan!”

The first to say anything was Liam. Despite Liam’s tendency to start a fight, he was also the most polite of the group. “Cool to meet you mate.”

Dylan smiled, nodding towards the three. “The feeling’s mutual. Lou’s told me plenty about you.”

Louis giggled, wrapping his arms around Dylan’s waist. “Isn’t he fit?”

“Christ Lou,” Dylan replies, chuckling and wrapping an arm around Louis’ shoulders. So far, he looked nice enough, had a fit body, obviously fancied Louis, and probably had a big cock. All the guys Louis found seemed to have big cocks.

“What, it’s true!” Louis said with a laugh, looking up at his new boyfriend. The two quickly started giving each other quick kisses on the mouth, leading to lips meeting in a way that wasn’t as playful.

Sighing, Zayn nodded and tried not to laugh. “Yeah, well fit Lou.”

Niall wrapped an arm around Liam’s shoulders, pulling him towards the bar where there were plenty of girls with big boobs and dresses short enough to see straight up their ass. Zayn, as usual, ended up being Louis’ caretaker as the boy practically had his face sucked off by Dylan. _Yep, definitely his mouth_ , Zayn thought, watching the two go at it in disgust. They couldn’t have known each other for, what, a week max? No doubt they had already fucked. Louis didn’t usually go three dates without at least a blowjob.

Louis wasn’t a slut. He really wasn’t, but he could easily be mistaken for one. Louis had grown up in a place where there wasn’t much love and there weren’t many happy endings. So, he tried to find them. In worthless hookups and three week relationships. Zayn couldn’t understand it- none of them could. But, Louis enjoyed it, and none of them were about to question Louis’ source of happiness by tearing it down in doing so.

It was also an unspoken rule that whenever they went out, one of the boys would watch over Louis and stay by his side. Louis would kill them if he knew this was the case, but he never seemed to catch on. Reason being for the _bodyguard_ situation, if you will, is because of a sticky situation that happened the year before. They were all at a club getting right fucked with drinks and pills and fingers down girls’ knickers. The club was really grody-like, and it was really more like a huge orgy then a club.

Anyways, Niall was in a corner fingering some girl while Zayn was on the dance floor with some girl with purplish hair. Liam was at the bar laughing with Josh, leaving Louis, in the middle of this madhouse, dancing with one guy sucking his neck and another grinding into his front. Louis’ eyes were closed as he flowed with the music. He wasn’t sure what kinds of pills he had taken, or how many, but the girl who gave them to him said they’re “extra wicked, like, totally”.

Harry, standing on the balcony next to the DJ, with his fifth drink in his hand and head filled with the effects of a light dose of cocaine. He watched Louis like a hawk, biting his lip as the boy moved like a wave among the music that is the ocean. He was truly beautiful, even with dark bags under his eyes and disheveled hair. He was always beautiful.

You could say that Harry was the first to be Louis’ ‘bodyguard’, though Harry would only say he was looking out for him, making sure he wasn’t too drunk. In this case, Harry was watching Louis let strangers have full control of his body. Plenty of other girls and guys were in Louis’ same position. Except, well, they weren’t Louis.

Down on the dance floor, Louis let his body be sucked and bruised and grinded on. He was too far gone to care.

“Take this baby.”

Louis opened his eyes and saw the bloke behind him holding a hand out in front of Louis with a small, white pill in the middle of his palm.

“What is it?”

“My mate’s Desoxyn. He has bad narcolepsy,” the guy replied.

Louis nodded, taking the pill and looking it over. He was familiar with the pill, it being a form of meth. Louis himself had never taken meth, but he knew people who had, and they said it was _real crazy shit_. With a intoxicated grin, Louis took the pill and popped it in his mouth, swallowing it dry before attaching his lips to the guy’s in front of him, letting them take control of his body once again.

Of course, watching the whole event was Harry up on the balcony. He leaned forward on his elbows, thinking about Louis’ hips swaying under his palms and small body pressed into his chest. Touching his thin body and covering bruises sucked by strangers with his own until Louis was all and only his.

But, Louis was his best friend. Has been since primary, and he wasn’t about to change that. Louis knew Harry had feelings for him. Everyone kind of did. Louis might even have feelings for Harry, but he would never admit to it. Louis doesn’t do feelings. He just _does_. He does things because he can. If it kills him, then let his grave be dug. And that scares Harry more then you can imagine.

Breaking Harry from his thoughts is Liam coming up beside him. He pats the curly-haired lad on his back and leans on his elbows against the balcony. “How’s Louis duty?”

Harry scowls, looking over at his mate. “The fuck are you talking about?”

Liam rolls his eyes, gesturing down to where Louis is sandwiched between the two blokes with a faraway look on his face. “Don’t act like you haven’t been watching him the entire night. If I didn’t know you I would think you were some creepy stalker.”

So all the boys knew Harry had feelings for Louis. It wasn’t really a surprise though. Everyone at some point had feelings for Louis. It was really hard not to. Not only was he beautiful with those cerulean eyes that seemed to stare right into your fucking soul, but his personality was…well, it could capture you. He was funny, no doubt, but…well, just the way he talked and the way he thought, that’s what lured you in. Louis made you seem like you were the most interesting person in the world. He might even genuinely think you are. Except, that’s just how he is. You could be the most boring person, but Louis will look and talk to you as if you were God himself.

It made Harry hurt that he could never tell what Louis was thinking or feeling. Because no matter how many times Louis denied he was sad or hurt or confused, Harry knew Louis was. He knew he was feeling _something_.

“He’s got too slimy cunt’s practically fucking him through his clothes, Liam. Do they not realize he’s as sober as Sid Vicious?” Harry asked with a raised brow. With a frustrated shake of his head, Harry tipped his head back and let the vodka concoction slide down his throat with a burn.

Liam sighed with a tired shake of his head. “Haz, you know I’m not good with your musical references. And anyways, it’s not like Louis’ going to let them do anything he doesn’t want. Remember last time? When that huge bloke tried to force him into the bathrooms? He had a bloody broken nose! Louis’ fine, he always is.”

 _No he isn’t. How could you think that he is? He’s never fine. He always looks like he’s half here and half somewhere else. How can he be fine if he can’t admit that he’s hurting? How can_ anyone _be fine without admitting that they once felt pain?_

“Sid Vicious was the bass player for the Sex Pistols back in the 70’s. He died from an overdose of pure heroin when he was twenty one,” Harry says instead, eyes trained on Louis. Liam’s babbles about Harry’s Louis obsession drowned on beside him, though the younger lad wasn’t listening.

Down on the floor, eyes drooping and a frown etched into his delicate features was Louis, feet struggling to stay balanced and arms grasping for something to hold onto.

“Harry, are you even listening to me?”

The two bloke’s shared smirks, one wrapping an arm around Louis’ waist and practically dragging him towards the exit of the club. Louis stumbled, blinking again and again, trying to keep his eyes opened as he felt himself moving across the room.

His legs and arms weren’t working like they were supposed to and his speech sounded slurred, like he was proper drunk. His vision was fuzzy, images flashing across of bright lights and arms flailing in the air as the heavy bass pulsed through the club.

_No, stop. Please stop, let me go._

The words were barely audible through Louis’ lips. It took him a few seconds to ponder if he actually spoke them, or if he was just thinking them.

“Don’t worry baby, you’ll have plenty of fun where you’re going.”

“If you even remember it.”

_No, no please, please let me go. I don’t want to, please, no, stop._

Louis felt small tears prickle around his blood shot eyes at the realization of what was happening. Though he struggled against the arms of the two men on either side of him, he was barely able to move at all, let alone protect himself.

“ _Let him the fuck go you fucking pricks!_ ”

A force hit Louis’ left side, causing him to stumble into a solid wall. It might’ve been a body, but his eyes had fallen closed at this point. Everything going on was blurry, like a hazy dream.

“ _What’d you do to him? I saw you give ‘im something, what was it? What to fuck did you give him_?”

“ _Just some pills man! He seemed off so we were bringing him out to get some air!_ ”

“ _Like hell you were! Don’t think I didn’t fucking hear you, you little cunt!_ ”

Louis felt a strong force pick him up by under his arms. The words being exchanged around him turned to sweet symphonys like strings of butterflies dancing through a field of flowers the colors of the rainbow. His head lolled to the side, darkness trapping the music in his brain and bringing him to a dark 

heaven.

_I’m on a bloodbuzz, yes I am._

_I’m on a blood…buzz. I’m on a bloodbuzz._

_God I am on a blood…buzz._

-

 

“So, how long have you too been doin’ it?” Niall asked, tipping his head back and gulping down a good half of his pint.

“About a month now, yeah?” Louis replied from where he was seated in Dylan’s lap. He turned to look at the latter over his shoulder for confirmation.

Dylan nodded, hands gripping Louis’ waist. “Yeah, four weeks tomorrow. Or, well, today I guess. It _is_ three am. ”

Zayn looked up from his chips and wiggled his brows, a smirk on his face. “Ah, so it’s anniversary day then?” He raised his hand and filled his cheek with air, obscenely gesturing a blowjob.

They all laughed with a roll of his eyes. Liam shook his with with a glint in his warm, brown eyes. “No, more like…” he and Niall stood front to back, Liam pretending to fuck him and both of them shouting _Oh, harder! Oh Dylan right there! Fuck yes oh Louis! You have such a big ass!_

Instead of blushing from embarrassment, Dylan’s hands only moved from Louis’ waist to his ass. He mumbles into the smaller boy’s ear, “You do have a great bum.”

Louis smirked and lightly ground his ass into Dylan’s groin, earning a low groan. The three boys on the opposite of the table groaned, rolling their eyes and all pretending to give blowjobs.

They had all left the club a little under an hour ago and were now all circled around Rupert’s, a small diner in the middle of town in between the laundromat and real old bookstore. They were all sharing a platter of crisps and working their hangovers off with another beer. They couldn’t go to their first day of college with a hangover.

Of course, Harry hadn’t shown up. And Louis wouldn’t say that he felt really saddened about it.

“Lads, we’re gonna go. Like Z said, it’s anniversary today,” he says, standing up and pulling Dylan with him. “See you at school!”

Once it was just Zayn, Niall, and Liam, they all turned to each other in silence.

“Reckon they’re gonna go fuck with Dill’s pickle?” Niall asks in a mumble.

Liam and Zayn both roll their eyes and shove the Irish boy off his chair. “Ah, fucking wankers…”

 

-

 

It's nearly four in the morning when Harry pulls into his driveway on his bike, a cigarette hanging from between his lips. The sky is starting to turn from black to a light purple with hints of pale pink and orange. The gate on the side of his house leading down to his back yard is opened, meaning Louis was already here.

Harry sighed, gently setting his bike down onto the ground before dropping the butt of his fag onto the cement, squishing it with the toe of his worn leather boots. Reaching into the pocket of his "too-tight jeans", as Nick always said, and groaned to find it empty.  _Fuck, I left it at Ben's..._   _Ah, fuck it. Lou's got some,_ Harry thinks as he swings the gate open, walking along the edge of his small house. He hadn't really noticed how close together all the houses were in his neighborhood until the year before when he had brought someone home -and they weren't even that loud to start with, just so we're clear- and the neighbors had apparently heard and told Anne. 

" _I can't even fathom that you would break our trust and bring someone home while your father and I were out! I cannot. Even. Fathom."_

It wasn't like Harry was grounded for very long. His mum and dad knew he was sexually active, they knew he wasn't a virgin. Harry was a very attractive eighteen year old who had plenty of friends. If he hadn't had sex yet, then he was doing something seriously wrong. But, the fact that he had brought someone into their home while told not to was what "fathomed" Anne. Harry never brought someone back to his place again. 

Louis sat in a pair of boxers and a oversized jumper that hung off his shoulder with holes in the sleeves. His ankles were crossed on the grassy ground were he gently swung on one of the swings connected to Harry's childhood playset. His eyes starred blankly off into the distance. The perk of Harry living on a hill was that his backyard had a view going over the trees and the whole sky was visable. Looking up as a plane crossed over, Louis stuck a spliff between his lips and inhaled.  _I wonder what it would be like to fly. I wonder if I would fall. I wonder if it would be fun to fall, then hurt to hit the ground. Maybe it's fun to hit the ground too._

Harry quietly sits down on the swing next to Louis, long legs stretched out in front of him. After a moment, Louis hands the spliff to Harry, still looking ahead. Harry takes it evenly, sticking it between his mouth.

"Do you think it's possible to jump from a flying plane -with a parachute- and land safely?" Louis asked out of the blue.

Following a string of smoke, Harry shakes his head. "Nah. You'd probably be crushed by the wind impact."

Louis frowns, obviously not happy with the answer. "Oh. Would it hurt?"

"Probably. Your bones would probably be crushed," Harry states, eyes focusing on the erray of colorful clouds lining the oncoming sunrise.

There's a pregnant pause before Louis whispers, "Like a million puzzle pieces..."

After so long, Harry has learned not to think to in depth into Louis' odd little statements. They were usually more to himself then to the people around him. And they never made much sense.

For the first time since he had gotten there, Harry turns to face Louis, taking in his bare legs and protruding collarbones under the ratty jumper hanging off his small form. "How was tonight then?"

Louis shrugs, seemingly out of his state now. He turns to Harry and his lips curl into a smile. "Good, fun, I guess. The lads were impressed with Dylan...missed you though, I thought you would be there."

Harry nods, looking down at the grassy ground beneath his feet. He  _was_ supposed to be there. He was always there when Louis made the introduction between the boys and his new boyfriend. But, it had gotten to the point that it hurt too much to see Louis so infatuated with someone who wasn't him, even if the infatuation was only for the guy's cock. Harry just couldn't do it that night. 

"Yeah, I um...I went over to Ben's with Nick and some guys. There was a house party and I promised I would go," Harry says. It was true, he had gone to a house party. He hadn't promised he would go though. Nick had offered Harry the invite days before Louis had found Dylan, and Harry had denied it. Then, when he had learned Louis had Dylan and the party was the same night they were all going out to meet Louis' new guy, he quickly told Nick he was willing to go.

Louis nods slowly, digging his toes into the dirt. "Oh. Well, that's fun too. Still missed you though."

Harry reaches over and takes Louis' hand, looking back at the sunrise just starting to peak from behind the horizon. "I missed you too." He started moving started moving back and forth in the swing. "So, how's Dylan?" Harry asked. He dreaded the answer and really didn't want to know how  _Dylan was_ , but he always asked. He always did, because that's what they were used to.

Louis snorts with an amused shake of his head. "His come face is funnier then the face you made that one time you started singing 'I Will Survive' when you were drunk at that karoke club."

"Wow, that bad?" Harry asks with a laugh. It was always a plus when Louis' new guy was weird or bad in bed.

"Yeah, it took all my power not to laugh right in his face. And, he's kind of...I don't know, sloppy maybe. And he kept looking down at his cock the whole time, not even going in all the way so he could still see it. I mean, yeah, it was big, but nothing to obsess over, you know? And then he wanted to thigh fuck me. Which is really hot and I'm up for any day, right, but he only wanted to so he could see his cock. I was about to shove him off and be like, 'Jesus, why don't you just marry it mate?' It was ridiculous man, total bollocks."

After a moment, Harry chuckles and shakes his head fondly. "You sure know how to find 'em Lou. I mean, this one had an obsession with his prick, and the last one wanted you to dress up like Princess Leia and have you call him Han. "

Louis shrugs with a smug smile, knowing this was true. "Eh, at least they always have big cocks." He takes the spliff from Harry's fingers and sticks back between his lips.

The two boys sat in silence after that, their hands linked between them. Their eyes cast upwords as the sun slowly began to rise, the world getting brighter and brighter around them. Like every year since the beginning of primary, Louis and Harry had made it tradition that on the first day before school, they would go out in Harry's back yard and watch the day begin.


	2. Now I'll Run From You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title is from Tainted Love by Gloria Jones (as was the first chapter)  
> I hope you liked the first chapter, let's hope this one is just as good, maybe even better :)  
> Enjoy! x  
> you can come be awkward with me at newyorklou.tumblr.com or @yorklou on twitter x

When Louis was younger, his favorite person in the world was his mum. His oldest memories of her were when she would pick him up from his grandparents and bring him to the zoo or aquarium, or maybe just the park. It would be just the two of them, and she would be happy. She would smile and hold Louis' hand and tell him how much she loved him. She would laugh and buy Louis sweets or toys and at the end of the day she would bring him for ice cream. He would get cookie dough and she would get mocha chip. Sometimes, Louis would ask his mum why he couldn't go home with his mum, and why he had to live with Gran and Granddad. 

" _Things are hard Louis_ ," she would say. " _Some things that you wouldn't understand. Just remember, whatever happens, that I love you and your sister with all my heart."_

Louis would never understand what his mother meant. " _I love you too mummy."_

He would go home later that night and cry when his mum had to go. His Gran would try and pull him away from her, and Louis would cry even harder once he was forced into the house and his grandparents would go talk to his mother once he was in his room. His younger sister, Lucy, would watch him from the doorway. She wasn't allowed to go out with their mum, or see her much at all, so she never understood why Louis cried so much after seeing her. 

_"Jay, maybe you should see him less. After every visit he gets so sad, it isn't fair to him. It isn't fair to Lucy either to see her brother like that and not understand-"_

_"I'm not going to stop seeing my son, if that's what you're asking mum. And you are_ not  _going to tell Lucy. I don't... I can't put her_  and  _Louis through it."_

_"Then why is it okay for Louis? He sees you twice a week and then you're gone without a letter, a phone call, not even a simple text. You can't just keep popping in and out of their lives."_

_"Then maybe if you let them live with me it wouldn't have to be this way-"_

_"Maybe if you would grow up and become the mother they deserve, I would consider that."_

_"I am their mother! How dare you say I'm not-"_

_"Don't yell, you'll wake them. And no, Jay, you're not. Not when the majority of the day you have powder stuffed up your nose. And don't think I don't know about their father, because I know_ exactly  _what Troy was to you-"_

 _"Do not_ even  _begin to tell me what Troy was, mother!_ "

Louis would lay awake, clutching his stuffed bear to his chest as his gran and mum fought in the kitchen. He never understood any of it. He didn't understand why he was only allowed to see his mum twice a week, or why he lived with his grandparents instead of her. I didn't understand any of it. 

The trips with his mum became the best part of Louis' week. She was always happy. Happy, happy, happy. Slowly, the trips went from twice a week to once a week. She wasn't as happy anymore. Then once every two weeks. Jay would snap at Louis, then quickly apologize. She looked tired and shaky. She wasn't happy. Soon, the trips became a walk to the park. Louis would play on the swings or on the slide for an hour until his mum brought him home. There was no zoo, no aquarium, no toys, and no ice cream. No more happiness. 

One day, when Louis was nine, him and Lucy were watching Mulan while their gran made dinner and granddad was reading the post. It was a normal Saturday afternoon with nothing out of the ordinary. It was all fine until their labrador, Shep, started barking like a mad man- or, a mad dog. Suddenly, gran starts shouting and runs outside, followed by granddad. 

" _Jay, what are you doing?!"_ _  
_

_"Getting my children! What the fuck does it look like?"_

_"You're drunk, don't do this-"_

_"Let go of me da'  let go! 'm not drunk!"_

Louis and Lucy looked up to see their mum bounding through the house. "Louis! Get your things, we're going home!" Jay's eyes were bloodshot and she looked...somewhere else. Louis' grandparents watched from the doorway, gran motioning for Lucy to come to her.

"Please don't do this Jay," Granddad pleaded, a piece of paper in his hand.

After a tearful goodbye and a sobbing Lucy, Jay and Louis left with Harry Potter suitcase of Louis' things. The drive was quiet and unlike all the other times Louis had been with his mum, he didn't feel safe. He felt scared and wanted to go back with his grandparents. He clutched his bear to his chest as silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

From that point on, Louis understood more.

He was enrolled in a new school where he made new friends named Harry, Zayn, Liam, and Niall. He gained a sense of humor and learned to make people laugh, even though the last time he  _really_ laughed was so long ago he couldn't even remember. Everything was great until he'd come home to see strangers sprawled on the couch looking like they were in a daze of some sort. His mum wouldn't be home until late, so Louis would hide in the confides of his room until she came home. Some days, she would be happy and come and see Louis. She would give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, maybe she would even ask about his day. Others, she wouldn't even come see him, she would just yell at how the house was a mess and how useless he was. He prayed every morning, when Jay was passed out in her bed with a stranger, that maybe she would be in a happy mood that night.

When Louis was fourteen he smoked his first cigarette. He was sitting with Zayn behind the local bowling alley in a pair of jeans that weren't his and an oversized t-shirt. Soon enough, Niall, Liam, and Harry walked around to the two with a paper bag filled with hard liquor. By then, they had all learned about each other's fucked up lives. All except for Louis. The only person who had some clue of what was going on, was Harry. The first time Louis ever mentioned anything about his life to anyone was the first day of Year 9. Louis had called Harry at one in the morning.

_"Lou?"_

_"Do you love me Harry?"_

_"What?"_

_"Do...do you love me?"_

_"O-Of course Lou, you're my best mate. Why, what's this about?"_

_"I er- I just needed to know."_

_"Where are you? Are you okay?"_

_"Outside. I couldn't...I needed to be away."_

_"I'll be right out."_

Louis had been sitting in his swing, as it's now known. He was wrapped in a jumper with the hood pulled up over his head. But that didn't hide the bright red welt on the left side of his face.

Without a word, Harry had sat next to Louis and held his hand tightly in his own. "Lou?" Harry felt his throat constrict at the sight of Louis so hurt.

"She said...she said to remember that she'll always love me and Lucy. She said to remember that she loved us no matter what happens...but-but Harry...fuck, it's getting so hard to remember," he whimpers, eyes pooling as he looks down at his feet. He sniffled, bringing his arm up and wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his jumper. That didn't stop the tears from slowly streaming down his swollen cheek.

Harry didn't question who Lucy was or who Louis was talking about. He simply took Louis' swing and pulled him closer. Louis never talked about his home. The five boys went over each others houses all the time. But, they never went to Louis'. They didn't ask, he didn't tell. Simple as that. Now though, Louis was confiding in Harry. It was nothing specific, but it was  _something_. 

That was the first night they stayed up to watch the sunrise on the first day of school. It was also the first time Louis realized that he loved Harry. That Harry was not only his best friend, but his  _person_. 

Now, standing outside the gates of the school on the first day, Louis hasn't felt more confused in his life. It was their last year of college, then it was university. This was the year that would decide what they all did afterwards. That was scary. It was even scarier that Louis didn't know what he wanted to do yet. He had never thought about it. Zayn wanted to be an artist. Niall wanted to get into Public Relations, maybe he would manage a band in the future. Liam always wanted to be a runner, or a boxer, or some sort of meat headed athlete. Harry always talked about going into music, running off to London and never looking back and writing songs while broke and drinking beer in some dodgy cafe. 

Then Louis. Louis the fucked up kid who couldn't get anything right. At least, that's what everyone said about him. Louis knew a lot of kids' parents told them not to hang out with him, that he was bad news and was going no where in life. They probably all knew about his mum, but at least they were kind enough to keep that to themselves. 

As he looked at the brick building that judged his future, Louis' heart screamed  _RUN RUN RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK._ But, his brain told him  _stop being such a fucking baby and just go inside_. Following his brain, Louis hiked his bag higher up his shoulder and started walking into the building. It looked just as it had the year before, only now it looked like a warning. A warning that Louis was growing up, which was Louis' worst fear. _  
_

-

 

"Think Hidler'll mind that I only did half of the summer assignment?" Niall asked as everyone filed into the English room. 

Louis shrugged, hands fumbling with his mechanical pencil. He pulled all the lead out and then pressed it into his hand, pushing it down so it looked like it was going into his skin like everyone did when they were younger. "She probably won't appreciate that you wanked all over it, but I don't have the best judgment. You know that Ni." For good measure, Louis turns to Niall and ruffles his blonde locks. 

Just as Niall was rubbing his soiled paper on Louis' face, Zayn and Harry walked in and settled in the desks in front of them. 

"Boys, is there a reason why you're late?" Mrs. Hidler asked as she collected the summer assignments row by row.

Harry shook his head with a smirk. "No ma'am."

The teacher rolled her eyes with a mumbled "Of course not." She finished collecting the assignments from the left side of the room then moved onto the right.

Louis leaned forward and taped Harry on the shoulder, to which the curly haired lad turned around with the warm smile he saved just for Louis. "What's up buttercup?"

"Shut up," Louis said fondly with a swat to the top of Harry's mop of curls. "Where were you this morning? I woke up and you were gone."

Harry clears his throat. "Oh uh- I went to go get some breakfast down at Rochelli's. I got up really early and I didn't want to wake you or anything."

Louis nods with a fond smile. He pats Harry's cheek. "Aw, thanks Curly. Such a sweet little boy."

"Horan, what the hell is all over your report?" Hidler asks with a look of disgust on her face as she lifts Niall's crusty paper by its edge.

The four boys stifle laughs as Niall clears his throat. "I don't think you really want that answer."

Mrs. Hidler dropped the paper with a digusted groan, sending the whole class into laughter. "Okay, class, okay, that is enough. Jesus, to think you all have high enough IQ's to even be  _in_ college..." she mumbled to herself as she took everyone's assignments and went to the front of the class. 

Zayn turned back to face Niall and Louis, a smirk on his pretty face. He whispers, "Liam's mate said there's gonna be this huge bonfire down in by Willow's Creek tonight at around midnight. You lot in?"

Harry, Louis, and Niall all exchanged looks before nodding. "Yeah, I'm in. I'll ask Dylan if he wants to come," Louis says with a smile.

The pain of those words is written all over Harry's face. "Oh, um tonight? I actually told Nick-"

"Don't worry, Nick's going too," Zayn says, but with the look he shoots Harry, he actually meant 'you're not fucking running away every time Louis has a boyfriend you stupid little shit'.

Louis grins like it's the greatest news he's heard all day. "You can finally meet him! I've told him all about you, he deems you as the next Luke Pritchard!"

The rest of class, Harry finds himself dreading the campfire. He wasn't ready to meet Dylan. He wasn't going to be ready to meet the next one either. He just wanted to turn around and shake Louis' shoulders and scream  _I'm in love with you, you fucking idiot!_ Ever since they were just fourteen, and Louis had come to Harry's house in the middle of the night, Harry had loved him. He had loved him as a friend, at first. Or, more like his protector. Then, as they entered Year 10, everything changed. Louis was more then a damaged boy with an answer for everything (even though the answer never made much sense). He started becoming the boy that Harry would fall asleep dreaming of and wake up thinking about. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day, Louis Tomlinson is what saved Harry Styles. What he saved Harry from, he has no idea, but it was true. And it hurt. Shit, it hurt like a knife stabbing your chest and twisting your heart till it was a bloody pulp dripping down between your toes.

But, sometimes it better to hurt like hell and be in love then be hurt like hell and be alone. Even if you're alone either way.

 

-

 

Out of all the boys -besides Harry- Zayn was probably the one that Louis was closest to. He was quiet at first, then once you got to know him he was all party. He was artistic too, so when Louis just wanted a quiet night of R&B and weed, he knew where to go. Plus, Trisha loved Louis like another son, and she knew about his, well "situation", so she welcomed Louis to come over whenever he wished. Louis and Zayn had met when they were just babies, back before Jay became what she is now. Trisha and Jay had been roommates in uni and were basically sisters from the get go.

Trisha and Jay had gotten pregnant the same year. Louis was born in December and then Zayn a few weeks later in January. It all worked out perfectly, or it was supposed to. Of course, things changed and people changed and Trisha and Jay broke apart. Louis and Zayn didn't meet again until they were twelve. It was the middle of the night on a Friday and Jay wasn't...she wasn't there. She shook Louis from his sleep and told him to get up, that they were going out. Jay ended up dropping Louis off in a rush, saying things like "I'm broke, need to get money" and "I'm late, he said Wednsday, I'm late".

Louis ended up staying the night in Zayn's room, softly crying himself to sleep.

_"Why're you crying?" Zayn asked softly, almost like he was afraid to speak in fear that his voice would send Louis over the edge._

_Instead of breaking, Louis just shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm so confused," he whimpered, curling in on himself and rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes._

_Unsure of what to do, Zayn got out of bed and sat down next to Louis on the air mattress the boy was laying on. He put a hand on his shaking back and rubbed up and down. His mum used to do that to him when he started crying, so maybe it would help. "It's...It'll be okay. We're all a little confused sometimes. But, it gets better. I promise."_

_"How do you know?" Louis asked through his small sobs. "How do you know it won't just get worse?"_

_"Because it has to get better, right? In one way or another, it has to get better. It just...it depends on how you look at it."_

Louis could take that.

"Zayn?" Louis asked present day, leaning against the table in the art room and smoking a fag.

"Yeah babe?" he asked. His eyes were focused as he dragged his ink pen across a canvas, forming some abstract picture.

"What am I going to do?"

Zayn finishes what looks like half of a mangled feather and looks up at Louis with a kindhearted smirk. "You're going to put out that fag before we get kicked out like last time."

Louis rolls his eyes, but stands and goes into the art teachers office where she has an ashtray. He comes back and sits at his place. "No you prat, I mean with my life."

"Your life?"

"Yeah, my life."

Zayn shrugs, and grabs a dark blue pen and an eyedropper filled with water. "I guess, do what you want? Like, you always talked about going to London and getting away from everything. I guess you could do that?"

Yeah, Louis always wanted to go to London, to find a new life. But, he didn't want things to change. He didn't want Niall to move to Los Angeles. He didn't want Zayn to move to Rhode Island. He didn't want either of them to go to America, which was so far away. Then Liam was going to train for track in Kenya, so that was all the way in fucking  _Africa_.

That left Louis and Harry. In a way, that was comforting for Louis to think about. But, at the same time, it only made him sadder. Harry was going to be the next Alex Turner or Julian Casablancas. He was going to be something that made a difference. Louis was not.

"I guess...I'm going to miss everything," he admits, watching Zayn squeeze droplets of water onto the canvas and color them blue with the pen.

Zayn stops what he's doing and looks up at Louis with a warm smile. "I'll miss everything too babe. We all will. You guys are like my brothers, we're a family. It's gonna be hard."

Louis sighs, nodding. "You think we'll all stay friends after?"

"We better, or I'll hunt each one of you cunts down and make you redo Sixth Form all over again," Zayn said with a lighthearted laugh. "Don't worry Lou. If I know you lads, which I do, I know that we'll all be fine. Liam will update us on his running and get us tickets to the Olympics, Niall will get us into concerts, and Harry will probably be the one on stage!"[  
](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_Casablancas)

"And you'll be raking in millions as Robert Downey Jr. hangs up one of your pieces of art on his wall," Louis says with a giggle. "But, then there's me. You'll all be successful people with so much going for you, then...then what about  _me_? What am I even going to do? I don't have any plans. I never thought the day we leave would actually come..."

Zayn sighs and pushes his chair back. He opens his arms and tilts his head. "C'mere love."

Louis smiles softly and goes over to Zayn, sitting in his lap and resting his head on his mate's shoulder. "I'm...I'm just really confused."

"I know you are. But, you'll figure it all out. You always do, in one way or another," Zayn said as he ran a hand through Louis' soft hair. "You have a whole year to think about it."

A whole year.

Louis nods and holds Zayn's hand, tracing his thin fingers and the bony knuckles calloused from cracking them and holding brushes.

"So...have you thought about Harry?"

With a frown, Louis looks up at Zayn and asks, "What do you mean,  _have I thought about Harry_? I think about Harry all the time. I think about you all,  _all_ the time."

"No, not like that," Zayn replies. "I mean, have you thought about him and...and what he means to you?"

"He's my best mate." Louis stands, feeling heat rise in his cheeks. "I need to go. I have- math or some shit like that." He grabs his bag and lighter, hiking it up his shoulder.

Zayn groans and stands, watching Louis walk out of the classroom. "Lou, you need to fucking stop walking away-"

"Tell me how Zayn! Tell me how to stop and then maybe I will!" Louis shouts back, looking over his shoulder before leaving the room.

He didn't love Harry. He did, just...just not like that. Louis didn't believe in love. Or, rather, he doesn't know how to love. He never felt any type of love other then what the guys gave him. But, never really  _love_. All those guys that Louis dated were just distractions. Distractions from pain and sad and hurt and mad and happy and lust and all these emotions that made him feel like he was being trampled. There were too many thoughts in his mind and too many feelings in his chest and it made it so hard to breathe that sometimes Louis just felt like he was underwater. And it makes him want to drown.

Louis walked down the hall with his heart beating so fast he thought the kids could here it in the classrooms. He didn't even know why he was feeling like that. All of a sudden his brain just stopped and went into autopilot. It happened all the time though. The school counselor-on the rare occasion he went to see her-told him they were panic attacks. But he said that was bollocks because he didn't panic.

He was just sad. He was sad all the time and he just dealt with it.

And then tonight was that stupid bonfire and Louis would have to bring Dylan. He didn't even like Dylan. He was too sensible.  _Oh, Louis, smoking is so bad for you. Oh, Louis, you really shouldn't skip class. Oh, Louis, drugs are so dangerous._ It was so stupid and he could easily break up with him. Only, if he broke up with him, he would be alone. 

It all just went to shit when you got right down to it.

But, then again, when didn't it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if it's shit.. this chapter was kind of weird I guess but it all boils down to the main climax so bear with me guys. thank you for the kudos and hits, it may not be much but it means a lot to me :) x.


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